I am ready.

Tue, 10 Nov 2009 19:50:24 GMT

I talked to my mom on the phone today and she pretty much made me feel like the biggest piece of shit to walk the planet.

She says: I'm not still young and can't understand why I'm doing this (withdrawing from the program), why does everyone know everything before she does (me: you're the first person I told I was wanting to withdraw), no she wasn't I never come to her, why am I not calling more often, her and my sister don't think I care about my niece, how can I not understand how important schooling is, why am I alienating them and why do I not care about anyone else, why did Tom let me withdraw from my program (me: because he actually cares about my happiness), how do I think she is controlling me (me: because I've always done what you wanted me to and nothing makes you happy -- i.e. going to University when I didn't want to), well don't you understand how important it is to do well in school, I don't like you living in the apartment, I think you're lying about being happy living there, don't you want more in life, what's Tom gonna do work at Zehrs the rest of his life, me and your dad don't like that you moved out, nothing ever makes you happy I don't understand you.....

Yes, I want to alienate you. Because, yes, I DID do everything you ever wanted me to do and you still put me through hell and abuse. No, I don't care about you, because that's the only way I learned how to deal with emotionally abusive parents . I do love Allie but then I have to see you when I come by. No, I can't come to you because I'm terrified of and hate talking to you. All you do is yell and put me down, and I don't think I deserve that. And yes I am still fucking young, I'm 23 for fuck's sake. And I am so much happier living here than at home, regardless of the fact that I don't have money. And yes, I am my own person, able to make my own decisions, and live my own life, without being told what to do by you, or apparently, whether or not you think Tom should be "letting" me do things.

FUCK FUCK FUCK

Wed, 04 Nov 2009 18:29:38 GMT

I am withdrawing from the program.

I hope it's not a mistake. I'm not looking forward to telling my mom. Honestly, I wouldn't hesitate to do it if it weren't for her. I don't want her to be right about me.

It'll be okay right?? It'll be okay.......

I have a lot of thinking to do.

Tue, 03 Nov 2009 23:07:45 GMT

I don't know if I'm cut out to be a vet tech. When I'm battling chronic fatigue, depression, and a heart condition that acts up whenever I'm stressed, it seems impossible a lot of the time. I was even told by a doctor in London when I went for my heart to avoid stress as much as reasonably possible... but this job is apparently very stressful. Talking to other girls in the field, and doing clinic, has made me realize this. I can't even get myself out of bed in the morning, and I feel like I'm in a fog all of the time. And you can't be in a fog when working in a clinic. I know I'm a smart person but I'm so out of it all the time, that I am not a quick responder to anything. I'll get things right but it takes me awhile... which is not acceptable when it comes to vet tech.

So I don't know what to do. I don't want to be a quitter, but I don't know if this is the right career for me. I've been debating for so long if I should drop it or stick with it. And if I drop it.... then what will I do?

Edit: 1:51 AM (Technically the 4th now)

I've been thinking and thinking for the past few days. And I'm thinking that I'd like my new plan to be this: take some time off of school and just work, pay off my debt, save up some money, and then, become a certified groomer, work for awhile to gain some experience, and open up my own grooming business. I've been thinking about grooming ever since talking to that one lady over a year ago who used to be a tech but then started grooming out of her home instead. She's happier. She works for herself and makes her own hours. That's my job in an ideal world. I can still work with animals and be less stressed.

Now if only I can do this without feeling like a quitter... especially since my mom has already ripped me a new one twice now for even thinking about not continuing with vet tech. I feel like this would be a better, happier, and maybe even healthier alternative for me. But then again, I'm afraid... what if nothing ever makes me happy? And what if I'm too tired/weak all the time to do anything?

Mon, 02 Nov 2009 01:31:31 GMT

SO MUCH in my life is going wrong.... I could not possibly be more stressed out right now. I'm literally starting to look like it because of stress/lack of sleep. I mean, dark circles under my eyes like I've never had and my eyes always being bloodshot... I look like I aged 5 years in a couple of months.

Thu, 29 Oct 2009 00:14:14 GMT

I am so fricken excited for Halloween... I LOVE HALLOWEEN!!!!!!! lol. I get so giddy around this time.

I got my costume today from Value Village, I am being a "sexecutioner" hahaha... it sounds whorish but it's actually not at all, and it's really cool looking, I wear a mask and everything :). Tom and I also went and got a bunch of cool Halloween decorations from the dollar store. Wooot. We plan on watching scary movies all day, then a couple of people are coming over for pre-drinking and the Loop. Yay! Loop at Halloween is amazing.

Today we took Daisy to Malden Park where we threw around a ball for her in a big field, it was fun and cute seeing her run around free... she never gets to go out without a leash, and obviously in the apartment there isn't a lot of room to run.

Also, I have an interview at Chapters on Halloween! Yay!

Also, I'm going on a livestock field trip on Friday to a bunch of farms, it should be fun.

Also, I have a test tomorrow and a paper due and I haven't started the paper and haven't really studied yet :S:S:S. Booo. Not ghost-boo, unhappy-boo. I've accepted the fact that I probably won't sleep tonight, which sucks because I have school from 8-4 tomorrow.

Side note: I love love love the smell of fall... it's a distinct "leaves" type of smell.

Post Secret worthy?

Wed, 28 Oct 2009 04:03:45 GMT

I've been worried and thinking too much about something but after texting it, I realized how stupid it sounds. I psyche myself out over little things.

[ i.e. My relationship is good but I'm not perfect]

I get annoyed over small things because I'm stressed and have a bad week. I am physically attracted to other guys but I've never cheated, and never will. Everybody in a relationship feels this way, whether they admit it or not... but I think it's how they choose to handle these thoughts that matters. Just because you love someone doesn't mean you've both suddenly become perfect people. There's a reason why it takes work.

I'm slowly counteracting my mind's perfectionism... both towards myself and others.

Tue, 27 Oct 2009 09:02:45 GMT

Up at 4 am to study. Still drinking coffee at 5 am and haven't hit the books yet because too tired. Bus leaves at 6:55 for school. Blah.

Wed, 21 Oct 2009 22:03:59 GMT

Clinic is ridiculous and I want to quit sooo badly.

This is a cranky post. Reader beware.

Wed, 21 Oct 2009 02:48:24 GMT

I've had a very bad past few days. First I lose all my notes for my Lab Procedures class this semester, then someone agrees to send me the notes, except I realize upon trying to open them that I've also lost Microsoft Word from my computer and cannot open them. I now have a test tomorrow that I have not studied for. I'll try to make that up in the hour break I have before the test starts, and hopefully I'll retain enough information then.

My apartment building is so loud that it keeps me up. I have stoners/druggies all around me that don't care about staying up til 2 or 4 am screaming/banging around/whatever. Even if I fall asleep I'm often awoken... and it takes a loud noise to wake me. I always sleep through my alarms, even when they're right next to my head.

So I'm tired and cranky. And I can't get myself out of bed in the morning and I'm late to classes.

Tom and I are also really struggling financially. It's these installation/deposit fees for everything sucking us dry.... Enwin and MNSI are raping us, our electricity usage for Enwin is about $25 a month but add to that $100 per month for the first six months as a "deposit". We don't have money to buy groceries. I have to dip into my credit line for a couple bucks for a sandwich or soup. Which is going to be maxed out soon, which means I won't have anything to pay for next semester's tuition/books/materials with. I am also missing payments on my credit card, and haven't paid my cell phone bill in months. We even got an eviction notice the other day, because our rent was two weeks late. I am applying for part time jobs, but honestly, my schedule is so hectic I really don't know if I'll be able to handle that added on.

I am so incredibly stressed out. And today I had the dumbest, bitchiest girl as my partner in clinic and I wanted to punch her in the face. But I'm not the only one who wants to.

Plus I think I'm starting my period.

Lately I've been looking on the bright side but today I just feel like this: Fuck. Everything.

I quite like autumn.

Mon, 19 Oct 2009 20:26:45 GMT

Taking my doggy for a walk at the river on a beautiful fall day, then green tea with milk and cinnamon, Death Cab, and a "Perfect Autumn" scented candle from Bath and Body Works = love.

My computer broke down this weekend due to about 1500 (literally) viruses we somehow contracted, and Tom and I lost pretty much everything. I have also not studied, though I have tests Wednesday and Thursday. I always do this to myself, procrastinating and what not, but I'll be lucky as always and do fine. Fine being, an A. lol. The only place in life that I don't have crummy luck. Plus, why overstress when there is no need? That's my new mantra, or whatever.

I'm dying my hair back to brown. No matter what colour I go, and as fun as it is, I always go back to brown. It's me.

P.S. I've become obsessed with cinnamon. I put it in my tea and coffee. I also created a new coffee concoction for myself which I drink every morning: hot chocolate + coffee + milk + a few drops of vanilla extract + ground cinnamon. Om nom!

Also, French Vanilla Cappuccinos and Chai Lattes are amazing.

Also, I've been thinking of getting a part time job to help out with expenses around here. My schedule's so crazy though, I'm not sure how that could work, unless I only work weekends.

My Life [and why there is resentment seeping from my pores]

Wed, 14 Oct 2009 19:17:22 GMT

It's hard to want to do anything in life when your accomplishments are never acknowledged. It has always been expected of me to excel and I do so, but others get rewards who have done less because people play favourites. It's happened all of my life in school, jobs, family.

It makes me wonder why I even try. It's been instilled into my head since as far as I can remember: that failure is not an option, and that ordinary is just another failure. The only lesson I've ever been taught is that if I ever let myself settle for average, the world will crumble around me and I'm good for nothing. But if I am above average, even if I'm the very best there is, I just get nothing in return... I'm free from being worthless but I still don't actually acquire anything... I just fade into the background as acceptable.

I was the best behaved, only A student child my parents ever had and I was treated the worst (as my other siblings will agree). I gave my all in school and had the highest marks in the class and the bursaries were still given to other people.

Is this the best I will ever get for everything I've given? I've become neutral, faded, unseen background noise.

It's disheartening, confidence shattering, and it makes me wonder why I bother. Sometimes I wish I could just quit everything and shut myself away from the world and everyone in it except for Tom.... since he seems to be the only person who actually sees me.

Um.

Tue, 13 Oct 2009 21:25:35 GMT

You know what.... I have these supposed "friends" who, every time I hang out with them, they go on about how much they miss me and we should do this more often, blah blah... and yet, I'm always the one doing the calling or messaging to see what's up. I never get a call. I used to hang out with them all the time, and yet I'll see them out or see photos of them out where they haven't even bothered to call or even text.

Whatever. I have exactly 2 true friends, besides my boyfriend, who actually bother to call and hangout, and ironically they're the ones who live 4 hours away.

Also, it's not something I do often, but I am no longer smoking weed. Not ever again. I smoked weed this weekend and had a major flashback or regression or something to when I tripped really badly on mushrooms and I was hallucinating and not breathing and shit. It took me about 5 hours to come out of, but Tom talked me through it... again. It was fucking brutal. Weed doesn't do this shit. And weed is all I did, I didn't drink or anything else, and it wasn't laced because other people smoked it too the day before this happened, I mean like 6 people (including me!), and everyone was fine.

What.

The.

Fuck.

The lights in the sky, have finally arrived, I am staying right beside you.

Sat, 03 Oct 2009 17:02:32 GMT

I brought Cosmo home yesterday! He's so beautiful, and bigger than Daisy lol. At first he was iffy about her, but they're slowly getting more used to each other. She absolutely loves him, she follows him everywhere and wags her tail nonstop. I still can't get over how large he is... he's only 4 and a half months old and already over 7 lbs... I'm 99% sure he's part Maine Coon, which means he is going to be a big boy. He's super sweet and gentle though, and he spent all last night sleeping on our bed on top of Tom's legs. And Tom really loves him, which is awesome, because he's not much of a cat person. Yay!

School is going better for me now. I'm learning how to deal with the stress. Even if I have a stressful moment and my heart beats like crazy and all that jazz, I get over it pretty quickly now, and keep going with what I have to. I'm at least passing everything I try, which is making me feel better.

Also, Tom's teaching me how to play the keyboard! He's taught me the intro to 'Right Where It Belongs' by NIN, it's a lot of fun.

Cosmo! This picture was taken at school.

And here's Cosmo with Daisy!

I'm weird and I have weird crushes.

Sun, 27 Sep 2009 02:21:55 GMT

Tom's at work and I'm bored on my Saturday night. So here goes some writing about one component of my odd self.

I've always had strange attractions to men. I do sometimes crush after stereotypical "hunky" men, but often, even though I realize they are extremely good looking, I'm not attracted to them. I've most often been attracted to your not-so-typically-sought-after-guy, even in high school (and almost always older guys/men). I'll use celebrities as an example. Here are some men I lust after for who knows what reasons (lol): David Thewlis (maybe it's his accent?), Edward Norton, Trent Reznor (it's definitely his voice), Ed Westwick (he's hot, but it's Chace Crawford who's technically the good looking one on GG -- but I have no attraction to Chace), Jack Sparrow from the Pirates movies (who I find hotter than regular Johnny Depp), ummm and probably the weirdest one, Alan Rickman.... who is like 60. Wtf? He could be my grandfather and yet I have never-ending sexy dreams about this man. And he has a large nose. And I love him. lol.

I'm weird! But whatever, at least I'm not typical and/or ordinary.

Anyways I would like to post some photos of these men which I find sexy (and you may not think so about some of them) haha.

Ed Westwick:

David Thewlis:

Jack Sparrow, yum lol

Edward Norton, hot hot hot

Trent Reznor, who's voice is the sexiest thing I have ever heard in my life... instant aphrodisiac.

Alan Rickman, when he was younger.

More Alan! lol... I think he's still a bit younger here.

Sat, 26 Sep 2009 06:06:23 GMT

Today was awesome.

I got a lip piercing (a stud on the left side) and I love it. But it hurt.

Afterward Tom and I took a drive out to Amherstberg, after dark, and brought binoculars to look at the stars and moon. It's AMAZING how many more stars there are that you can see with the binoculars, and how much more detail there is on the moon. It's so beautiful. It makes me want to become part of the sky lol. We then kept driving around until we ended up in Kingsville, and the whole drive we had amazing talks. For example, I told him that I haven't been so mentally/emotionally healthy and happy since I was probably in grade 2. I feel like I have so much in my life now, compared to a few years ago. I am with the most wonderful person I've ever known, plus Daisy... the 3 of us are a little family now, I can't imagine coming home to anything else. Plus working to help animals gives me more motivation towards a career than I've had since high school.

I don't know. It just seems like my whole life had been a struggle to deal with people who didn't care about me/treated me like shit, plus having no idea what I wanted to do with myself and my life, and then suddenly bam... there's Tom, and this new apartment, and Daisy, and Vet Tech (even if it is stressful)... I don't think I've ever had this much in my life that I love all at once. It's awesome. I've never been so happy overall.

P.S. Cosmo is getting neutered next week, so we'll get to take him home soon!

Being judge-y.

Tue, 22 Sep 2009 20:54:33 GMT

Why is it that the ugliest girls always refer to themselves as "sexy bitches"?

And why is it the chunkiest that wear clothes that are way too small for them, and way too revealing for anyone?

And why do severely overweight people justify their awful eating habits by saying "big is beautiful"? Maybe... if it weren't killing you! Can we say denial???

Judge-y rant done.

Without You, Everything Falls Apart

Mon, 21 Sep 2009 20:23:28 GMT

Today in clinic I filled the position of Sterile Assistant, and I felt so much better than when I was Anesthetist two times last week. Anesthetist is the hardest and most stressful job in the clinic. I was actually wondering if this is what I really want to do as a career after all, because I really hated it and got extremely stressed out. But today renewed my hope that I'll be able to tough out this year and graduate. All last week I was so stressed out and emotional that I cried several times... and I never cry ( my monthly visit also came so that might be a contributing factor). Today I feel much more relaxed and happy. Plus, I hear a lot that working as a vet tech in most clinics is more laid back than at St. Clair.

This past weekend was pretty cool, I probably drank too much due to being overstressed, but overall it was a fun weekend.

In other news I'm thinking of getting a lip piercing.

But most importantly of all, I love love coming home to Tom and Daisy at the end of the day.

Wed, 16 Sep 2009 21:50:16 GMT

Today in clinic I stabbed myself through the thumb with a syringe full of sedative. I was trying to give pre-anesthetic to a dog and my partner wasn't holding her well, and apparently I wasn't holding the leg/needle right.... So I got the needle in her leg (the dog's) and started injecting, and the she freaked and jumped, and suddenly the needle was right through the top of my thumb, in one part and out another part. It was bleeding like a mofo, and I was so embarrassed I had to fight tears. I wouldn't have cared if it was the first time something went wrong for me in clinic, but something always goes wrong for me in clinic. I feel like I do everything wrong, like I'm completely incompetent. Classes and academics are no problem for me at all, but then in clinic I feel absolutely dumb. I had to take a lot of breaths to keep from crying.

Thank God for Tom. I just cried in his arms.

Mon, 14 Sep 2009 04:18:42 GMT

So I spoke too soon when I said I'm not adopting any more animals while I live here. I have my eye on an adorable cat at school, and Tom agreed to taking the cat home for a trial weekend to see if it gets along with Daisy. I hope they do get along! I'd love for Daisy to have a kitty friend. The cat is a male, really friendly, calm, black and white, and it's only 4 months old but it's already the size of a full grown cat.... it's going to be a MONSTER cat. He's the same age as Daisy and bigger than her lol.

As long as he passes his health tests at school and gets along with Daisy, we are going to adopt him :) He just has to be neutered first, so it'll be a week or two at least until that happens.

I really, really hope it works out! I wanna name him Cosmo.

THEN that's it for this apartment lol.

Animals make me happy.

Wed, 09 Sep 2009 22:26:59 GMT

The other day Tom and I got an amazing deal on a huge, used 40 gallon tank for Jelly Bean (our bearded dragon).... $45 on Kijiji (they're hundreds if you buy new ones). Then today we picked up another baby Beardy whom I have named Indiana. Our creature-family is ever growing. That's it until we get a bigger place, though. I love talking about it with Tom. When we're both settled in good jobs, we want a smaller sized, nice house in the country on a huge lot of land, with a lot of trees and landscaping, and many animals (dogs, cats, bunnies, etc).

I have mixed feelings about school right now. On the one hand, I'm dreading parts, and on the other hand, I'm excited for parts. Mostly, though, I just can't wait to be graduated and have a job.

I get to do Co-op starting in the next couple of weeks, and I got my first choice, which is at the Forest Glade Animal Hospital. That's where my family took my old dog, and the vet is really nice, and I always hear amazing things about it.

I also got my previous dog Kutsi's old crate for Daisy, and I'm trying to get her used to it so we can house train her better. She's still potty-ing in the apartment, which now always smells like pee. I described her behaviour and my problems training her with my teacher, and she seems to think the pet shop guy lied to us, and that she really is a puppy-mill puppy :(. She pretty much has ADD, possibly due to bad breeding. Noo good I do not support puppy mills. But I can't regret it because I love Daisy soo fricken much. She is honestly the most friendly dog I've ever seen... she LOVES everyone.

I want to nap sooo much right now, but I have to get up early tomorrow and if I sleep now I'll never sleep tonight. Grr to being tired.

Paranoia City?

Tue, 08 Sep 2009 17:28:31 GMT

This is going to sound stupid, but I always have this ridiculous fear that people don't like me. I know it's all probably crazy fears in my head. I try to tell myself that, but still... I'm really socially awkward until I know someone for a long time. And I mean, I wouldn't care if a couple people didn't like me, because let's face it, it happens. But it's this stupid paranoia that it's the majority, or even everyone.

Okay I'm done talking crazy now .I always get this way on first days of school, etc. It goes away after awhile though. But it's still really annoying.

Pointless Post.

Mon, 07 Sep 2009 03:36:06 GMT

It's September 6 already. Holy shit. Summer went by too fast and I'm not really looking forward to going back to school. Although it's probably a good thing since I feel like a lazy bum lately, what with no job, few friends to go out with, and no real domestic skills. Hah.

I tried to cut Daisy's fur a bit because we can't really afford to get her groomed right now ($300 Enwin set up fee and Bell set up fee, also at a couple hundred, added to our bills is raping our money situation). It pretty much looks like I got drunk and hacked at her fur with scissors lol. No worries, I didn't cut her or anything, it's just not possible to cut dog fur nicely with scissors. She looks like a scruffy street puppy, just cleaner. At least she doesn't look like Cousin Itt anymore and you can actually see her eyes now.

I was sort of productive today, more so than I have been lately anyway. I vacuumed and washed all the floors, folded and put away laundry, and made potatoes for dinner. I'm proud of the potatoes, even though they were very simple, because I don't/can't cook. I also reviewed my clinic manual for school a bit, but not much.

P.S. There is this cat that lives in the apartment below mine and I can always hear it meowing loudly because both our windows are open. It's a cute cat though.

Tue, 01 Sep 2009 02:00:45 GMT

Sometimes.... my boyfriend is gross. I mean, very outwardly so. He doesn't care what anyone thinks, which is usually a good trait. But it gets out of hand. Blah. I love him to death, but I don't know what to do about the fact that sometimes, he just really grosses me out with what he says/does. He thinks it's funny. I don't agree as much.

By the by, I dyed my hair red recently. It required two bouts of bleaching, then dying (I can't believe my hair isn't FRIED like BACON -- speaking of which, I am hungry, as we don't have money for groceries and the fridge is getting scarily empty).
Anywho, photos. One I played around with in photoshop.

Mon, 31 Aug 2009 05:05:16 GMT

I'm nervous about going back to school. I feel like I've forgotten 90% of what I learned last year.

Super crazy girly post and happy thoughts.

Thu, 27 Aug 2009 21:03:10 GMT

Me to Tom: "My whole life, I've wished for someone to feel about me, the way that you feel about me. I thought that only happened in the movies."

Tom (on another occasion): "I promise I'm going to marry you one day."

We talk about it all the time. It's inevitable. If we don't end up together forever, I feel like it's a tragedy on the scale of Romeo and Juliet. I know that's giving us a lot of credit, but hey... to me, my own life is bigger than that.

Anyway, I know I'm way ahead of myself but I've pretty much planned a lot of the wedding lol. It's just something I've fantasized about for years. I just love the idea of everything classic and romantic. And small, nothing huge, because it isn't a day for everyone else.. just Tom and myself. I know I want it outdoors in spring/summer (we're both nature nuts). I know what theme I want (ivory and light sage, including light sage bridesmaid dressses). I know the flowers (calla lillies... with the centre pieces being calla lillies in a glass tube thing). I know that I want fairy lights everywhere (on trees, ceiling of the tent, etc). I'd love to come in to the actual ceremony on a horse-drawn carriage (I love animals, so what's more perfect). I want the wedding cake to be simple and white, with little calla lillies on it. Etc etc! Basically like my own little fairy tale world come true.

Man, I know I'm conforming to every feminist's worst nightmare here, but I don't care. That day is going to be the happiest of my life and I feel giddy every time I think of it. It's most likely years in the future, since we don't have much money now, but I don't even care, because I've never been so sure about anything in my life, as the fact that Tom and I are made to last. :)