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[Dec. 7th, 2009|06:24 pm] |
I wish that money wasn't so critical in today's world. You have to pay to do everything. It's like you're paying someone else for the right to be alive. To stand in a certain area, to have something to drink, or somewhere to live, or something to eat. Basic needs shouldn't have to be bought. And you spend 80% of your life doing something you don't like for someone else, so that you can maybe enjoy 20% of the rest of your life that you're not at work. That is, if you make enough that you can afford more than just your basic needs.
This isn't the way the world/life was supposed to be. |
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| (no subject) |
[Dec. 4th, 2009|11:40 pm] |
Many hours next week. Good good.
Insomnia is plaguing me like.... well, the plague. Not good. |
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| (no subject) |
[Dec. 2nd, 2009|11:18 am] |
| [ | Current Mood |
| |  stressed | ] |
My schedule is really messed up. I sleep from 6 am to about 3 pm every day. On the weekend I was too tired to go out, but then last night I convinced people to go out for free pool, and I drank wayyy too much (on a Tuesday night!).
Tom and I are really struggling financially. Tom got suspended indefinitely from work, for the dumbest reason (he talked to a colleague after punching in -- he's never even been written up and they go straight to suspending him?). I hope the union gets him his job back. The bank says there's nothing they can do about the money that was taken out of my account because they have no evidence that my card had been tampered with, and the purchases occurred in Windsor. I am never feeling well so I went home sick from work the other night, which probably screwed my chances of being hired on permanently. Not to mention the fact that I told my boss to call me in if she needs me on my cell phone, but now my cell phone is cut off because of not paying the bill. And I have voicemails, but I can't reach them, so if she's leaving a message and I'm not calling back.... I'll tell her next time I'm in, but still.
I have exactly $2.10 in my bank account, and Tom has 12 cents in his. Together, we are in about 10 grand in debt. Fuck our lives.
I am definitely stressing. Tom and I can never afford groceries for ourselves, although we always make sure the animals have food. I took a bunch of my parents' groceries a couple days ago (with permission). Blah.
All I want for Christmas is money so I can start paying off the debt.
And people keep telling me to sell my art but I don't know how/where. |
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| (no subject) |
[Nov. 29th, 2009|08:08 am] |
I feel like I'm failing miserably at life.
Financial/work/school/health -wise.
Edit: 9:30 PM
You know what I like about art? There are no rules. Although I love art and I have talent in it, I have never taken art classes or bought books telling me about it. In my opinion, all that does is take away my freedom. I like making what I want, how I want, without anyone telling me how I should be doing it. I don't use traditional methods (i.e. starting off with circles and basic shapes and elaborating on them, or measuring how many heads across shoulders should be compared to the head of a person, etc). That takes out the fun, the mellowness, the desire of it all. Maybe those are guidelines for people who don't have the talent to do it freehand. And I know there are artists out there who are way better than me and use rules... but I think that takes all the enjoyment out of it. It shouldn't be mechanical.
That's my two cents anyway. |
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| I just feel like writing. |
[Nov. 27th, 2009|01:45 pm] |
| [ | Current Mood |
| |  exhausted/happy | ] |
| [ | Current Music |
| | twenty two fourteen - the album leaf | ] |
Work is giving me more hours, which is good. Not a lot of hours, but decent enough. This week I have 18 and next week 20. I have a surprise shift tomorrow, which my manager forgot to write down when she gave me my schedule. I didn't find out about it until the end of my shift today... good thing I got it, or I would have been a no show. Blah. I was looking forward to it off. But we really need the money so I don't mind so much. It was moonlight madness tonight too, really busy.
I have been thinking about doing pet portraits for a really long time, but I've been so afraid that nobody will want them. Today though, I got enough balls and created a facebook group.
http://www.facebook.com/#/group.php?gid=215703015398&ref=mf
It'd be awesome to have a bit of income from that..... I mean, really awesome. It combines two of my biggest passions. If I could paint full time and make a living off of that I would.
On a random note, I pulled a muscle in my arm and it's killing me, I can't lift it at all. No idea how I did that.
I was thinking today about how I really love the life I have started here with Tom. I love him, and our animals, and our apartment, even though it's small, and many things don't work, and we're pretty broke(i.e. we can never afford groceries, and I haven't paid my cell phone bill in months, and we're both in debt, etc). But I have never felt so fulfilled in my life.
Moving in with Tom and getting Daisy and Cosmo was impulsive, and probably even crazy, since we were relying on only his Zehrs income at the time...and yet it was the best thing I've ever done. And he tells me the same. And neither of us are even close to being perfect... I can be soo impulsive, and he forgets everything, and both of us make poor decisions sometimes, and we both have our own sets of painful issues with family and such... and yet we're always there for each other, and I feel like we have more than so many people do.
I know I always go on about us, and it probably is disgusting at times, but what can I say. He shows me so much love, and we get along so perfectly, that the idea of me ever being with anyone else is absolutely absurd. I feel incredibly lucky. And this sounds so stupid, but I feel like I have so much now that I'm always afraid I'm going to lose it (for ex. car accident or something) but I need to stop thinking that way! |
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| (no subject) |
[Nov. 25th, 2009|01:07 pm] |
| [ | Current Music |
| | the air between us - hammock | ] |
I keep getting urges to shower or take a bath several times a day, I mean after I've already had one. The warm water just feels so good.
I don't know.
lol.
ME! Tom took them. I like them! lol. I am in a weird mood.
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| (no subject) |
[Nov. 23rd, 2009|12:05 pm] |
| [ | Current Music |
| | eleanor rigby | ] |
I've been lacking inspiration, or creativity, or desire, or motivation... I want to paint or do something productive in a sense that it's going to accelerate me to something more in life... but I never know what to paint, or do to get me anywhere, so I fill the empty time with cleaning or being online. I feel better when I clean though, because that way I feel useful. I'd like to volunteer at the Humane Society again. Work isn't giving me many hours, but I think that'll change closer to Christmas. |
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| Why are so many people in the world so effing awful? |
[Nov. 17th, 2009|08:42 pm] |
Somehow, someone has gotten access to my bank account that has my credit line, and has stolen at least $2000 from it. I started noticing that after I deposited $1300 from my mom two weeks ago, and my balance was around -$6,500, then two days later it was suddenly over $7,000...so I thought maybe the check bounced... then a few days after that, I went to take out $40 to go out with, and my balance was suddenly -$7,900... so in a "wtf" state of mind I went to the bank yesterday and the balance was at -$8,040! WTF.I can't fucking believe it. I reported it yesterday, and printed the history, the number of purchases and money taken from ATMs is insane... like pages worth. I'd better not have to pay for it. Especially since, it's money that isn't even mine, it's a loan, and it starts collecting interest after a year! And I have no idea how long it's been going on, since when I was in school I didn't regularly check the balance.
Also, I just saw a thing on Perez where the Japanese have figured out a way to keep a fish alive after deep frying it and people are poking at it, and when it tries to breathe they laugh, and then they start eating it. It's fucking disgusting!!!! I almost threw up!
I FUCKING HATE HUMANITY. |
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| We'll cast some light and you'll be alright. |
[Nov. 16th, 2009|11:40 pm] |
| [ | Current Music |
| | crosses - zero 7 | ] |
First day at Chapters went pretty well. I think I shall like it.
D-Ribose is my friend. And so are potato pancakes -- I know, right? I never heard of them until Tom brought some over that his sister made. Om nom. But not helping the waistline.
I want to start painting again but I've been waiting and waiting on inspiration. Oh well. |
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| (no subject) |
[Nov. 16th, 2009|12:04 am] |
| [ | Current Mood |
| |  sleepy | ] |
This weekend was kind of nuts. It was fun but I'm not particularly proud of myself.
I am now a size 10 pant size... I'm usually a 6-8. Ugh. Time to do something about that.
I have a kink in my neck that's been killing me for 2 days and I just ate a really big meatball and now I don't feel very good.
I'm nervous to be starting my first day at work tomorrow. Mostly, I'm scared it'll be like the Depot, when I had promised myself I'd never work in retail again.
Daisy got really sick last night. I came home to massive amounts of diarrhea and vomit on the carpet. :( She seems okay today though. I ran out of food yesterday morning so I gave her a bunch of treats to hold her off until I got some later on... so maybe that's why?
And last but not least, I have a wonderful boyfriend. |
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| she knows she's more than just a little misunderstood |
[Nov. 13th, 2009|02:51 pm] |
| [ | Current Mood |
| |  hopeful | ] |
| [ | Current Music |
| | round here - counting crows | ] |
I bought this book yesterday called "From Fatigued to Fantastic: a clinically proven program to regain vibrant health and overcome chronic fatigue and fibromyalgia".... and I feel like this book should be titled: "Ashley Djarmocky This Book is About You!"
It's written by a doctor who specializes in and has had Chronic Fatigue, and it touches everything, and I mean everything I've been going through health wise, mentally and physically, that doctors don't talk about and that I can't find information about online. The treatments listed in this book are different than anything I've been told by a doctor or researched myself, and with my science background they seem make perfect sense to me when he explains them.
If this book works for me then it is to become my bible.
Also, I don't know if I mentioned in here that I got a job at Chapters seasonally, so that is pretty sweet. I hope it ends up as a long term thing.
Also, I really love my cat and dog.
Also (I'm writing a lot of also's), I've started writing articles for online sources, my first one being here, so take a look please :) I get paid based on how many people visit my article! Not a lot, but it's a good way to use information I learned in Vet Tech instead of letting it go to waste. |
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| (no subject) |
[Nov. 10th, 2009|02:36 pm] |
I talked to my mom on the phone today and she pretty much made me feel like the biggest piece of shit to walk the planet.
She says: I'm not still young and can't understand why I'm doing this (withdrawing from the program), why does everyone know everything before she does (me: you're the first person I told I was wanting to withdraw), no she wasn't I never come to her, why am I not calling more often, her and my sister don't think I care about my niece, how can I not understand how important schooling is, why am I alienating them and why do I not care about anyone else, why did Tom let me withdraw from my program (me: because he actually cares about my happiness), how do I think she is controlling me (me: because I've always done what you wanted me to and nothing makes you happy -- i.e. going to University when I didn't want to), well don't you understand how important it is to do well in school, I don't like you living in the apartment, I think you're lying about being happy living there, don't you want more in life, what's Tom gonna do work at Zehrs the rest of his life, me and your dad don't like that you moved out, nothing ever makes you happy I don't understand you.....
Yes, I want to alienate you. Because, yes, I DID do everything you ever wanted me to do and you still put me through hell and abuse. No, I don't care about you, because that's the only way I learned how to deal with emotionally abusive parents . I do love Allie but then I have to see you when I come by. No, I can't come to you because I'm terrified of and hate talking to you. All you do is yell and put me down, and I don't think I deserve that. And yes I am still fucking young, I'm 23 for fuck's sake. And I am so much happier living here than at home, regardless of the fact that I don't have money. And yes, I am my own person, able to make my own decisions, and live my own life, without being told what to do by you, or apparently, whether or not you think Tom should be "letting" me do things.
FUCK FUCK FUCK |
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| (no subject) |
[Nov. 4th, 2009|01:28 pm] |
I am withdrawing from the program.
I hope it's not a mistake. I'm not looking forward to telling my mom. Honestly, I wouldn't hesitate to do it if it weren't for her. I don't want her to be right about me.
It'll be okay right?? It'll be okay....... |
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| I have a lot of thinking to do. |
[Nov. 3rd, 2009|06:04 pm] |
I don't know if I'm cut out to be a vet tech. When I'm battling chronic fatigue, depression, and a heart condition that acts up whenever I'm stressed, it seems impossible a lot of the time. I was even told by a doctor in London when I went for my heart to avoid stress as much as reasonably possible... but this job is apparently very stressful. Talking to other girls in the field, and doing clinic, has made me realize this. I can't even get myself out of bed in the morning, and I feel like I'm in a fog all of the time. And you can't be in a fog when working in a clinic. I know I'm a smart person but I'm so out of it all the time, that I am not a quick responder to anything. I'll get things right but it takes me awhile... which is not acceptable when it comes to vet tech.
So I don't know what to do. I don't want to be a quitter, but I don't know if this is the right career for me. I've been debating for so long if I should drop it or stick with it. And if I drop it.... then what will I do?
Edit: 1:51 AM (Technically the 4th now)
I've been thinking and thinking for the past few days. And I'm thinking that I'd like my new plan to be this: take some time off of school and just work, pay off my debt, save up some money, and then, become a certified groomer, work for awhile to gain some experience, and open up my own grooming business. I've been thinking about grooming ever since talking to that one lady over a year ago who used to be a tech but then started grooming out of her home instead. She's happier. She works for herself and makes her own hours. That's my job in an ideal world. I can still work with animals and be less stressed.
Now if only I can do this without feeling like a quitter... especially since my mom has already ripped me a new one twice now for even thinking about not continuing with vet tech. I feel like this would be a better, happier, and maybe even healthier alternative for me. But then again, I'm afraid... what if nothing ever makes me happy? And what if I'm too tired/weak all the time to do anything?
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| (no subject) |
[Nov. 1st, 2009|08:31 pm] |
SO MUCH in my life is going wrong.... I could not possibly be more stressed out right now. I'm literally starting to look like it because of stress/lack of sleep. I mean, dark circles under my eyes like I've never had and my eyes always being bloodshot... I look like I aged 5 years in a couple of months.
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| (no subject) |
[Oct. 28th, 2009|08:10 pm] |
| [ | Current Mood |
| |  cheerful | ] |
I am so fricken excited for Halloween... I LOVE HALLOWEEN!!!!!!! lol. I get so giddy around this time.
I got my costume today from Value Village, I am being a "sexecutioner" hahaha... it sounds whorish but it's actually not at all, and it's really cool looking, I wear a mask and everything :). Tom and I also went and got a bunch of cool Halloween decorations from the dollar store. Wooot. We plan on watching scary movies all day, then a couple of people are coming over for pre-drinking and the Loop. Yay! Loop at Halloween is amazing.
Today we took Daisy to Malden Park where we threw around a ball for her in a big field, it was fun and cute seeing her run around free... she never gets to go out without a leash, and obviously in the apartment there isn't a lot of room to run.
Also, I have an interview at Chapters on Halloween! Yay!
Also, I'm going on a livestock field trip on Friday to a bunch of farms, it should be fun.
Also, I have a test tomorrow and a paper due and I haven't started the paper and haven't really studied yet :S:S:S. Booo. Not ghost-boo, unhappy-boo. I've accepted the fact that I probably won't sleep tonight, which sucks because I have school from 8-4 tomorrow.
Side note: I love love love the smell of fall... it's a distinct "leaves" type of smell.
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| Post Secret worthy? |
[Oct. 27th, 2009|11:46 pm] |
| [ | Current Mood |
| |  contemplative | ] |
I've been worried and thinking too much about something but after texting it, I realized how stupid it sounds. I psyche myself out over little things.
[ i.e. My relationship is good but I'm not perfect]
I get annoyed over small things because I'm stressed and have a bad week. I am physically attracted to other guys but I've never cheated, and never will. Everybody in a relationship feels this way, whether they admit it or not... but I think it's how they choose to handle these thoughts that matters. Just because you love someone doesn't mean you've both suddenly become perfect people. There's a reason why it takes work.
I'm slowly counteracting my mind's perfectionism... both towards myself and others. |
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| (no subject) |
[Oct. 27th, 2009|05:00 am] |
| [ | Current Mood |
| | tired | ] |
Up at 4 am to study. Still drinking coffee at 5 am and haven't hit the books yet because too tired. Bus leaves at 6:55 for school. Blah. |
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| (no subject) |
[Oct. 21st, 2009|06:03 pm] |
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Clinic is ridiculous and I want to quit sooo badly. |
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